- 1 When the relationship ends
- 2 The 5 steps to overcome a break
- 3 The more we cling to something that is no longer, the more we suffer
When the relationship ends
We all want to be happy and we believe that having a partner will give us that happiness we are looking for so much. Everything is going well while we have it, but What happens when this relationship ends?When the person in which we have put so many expectations and dreams leaves our side and leaves us? How do we face situations like these? How do we live life from that moment? For the vast majority, this is a very difficult and painful situation, many fears, insecurities, disappointments, resentments appear and the pain can be very deep ...
And why is this? Why do we feel so much pain? The vast majority believe that because we have lost the person who "makes us happy" or gives us security, love or company. But what if this is not the real cause of our pain? What if it is in our hands to feel good regardless of whether or not that person is by our side?
The 5 steps to overcome a break
1. Note what are the thoughts that appear in your mind when you feel bad
What does your mind tell you? I may say things like: without him or her I will not be happy, I am not good enough, it is very difficult and sad to be alone, I need someone by my side to be happy, he has gone with someone better than me, what others will think of me, I will not be able to find another person, there is something wrong with me that is why it is gone ... Note the painful and stressful thoughts that appear, thoughts of which we are often not even aware. When we create thoughts like these, it is not surprising that we feel like we do…
2. Question these painful thoughts and see if they are “true”
If you allow yourself to question the truth of what your mind tells you, you will realize that in reality, what makes you suffer is not that the person has left but what you think that means, the story you tell yourself ... Ask yourself if it is true, if you can know that it is true with “absolute certainty” (and please answer with a simple yes or no…) that without him or her you will not be happy, that you are not good enough because your partner has left, that it is very difficult and sad to be alone, that you "need" someone by your side to be happy, that you have left with someone "better" than you, that others will think badly of you, that you will not be able to find another person, that there is something wrong with you that is why it is gone… When we do not question these thoughts and “believe” that they are true we suffer, we have a hard time, and when we do not believe these thoughts or we don't have these thoughts in our mind we are fine ...
3. Take the test, try to see what your life would be like without those thoughts that overwhelm you
Try to imagine (although at the beginning it may be difficult for you) what your life and day to day would be like if you couldn't have those thoughts in your head, it is very probable, that then you are at peace, and living the moment relaxing even enjoying it ... If this is difficult for you, notice how your mood changes and you become sad or upset when any of these thoughts appear in your mind, and note or remember how you feel in those moments when you "forget the subject" and are thinking about other things, or someone calls you on the phone and you get distracted, or simply for whatever reason you have forgotten for a moment of the break ... Can you see how your life and mood changes? Can you see how your mood varies depending on the thoughts you have in your mind?
4. Look for evidence of how “the opposite” of what you believe and makes you suffer can be as true or more
And this is key, because it will help you corroborate that what you believe and make you suffer is not true ... If the thought is that "without him or her I will not be able to be happy", the opposite would be "without him or she I will be happy" Look for evidence of this. Here some examples 1) you cannot know the future and therefore you cannot know how you will feel later 2) If before knowing that person you did not need it to be happy or to be well, why can't you be now? 3) Think about previous relationships that have ended and how you could be happy again after that ... or cases of close people who have lived similar experiences and were happy again after a breakup ... Find your own evidence. When we allow ourselves to see what "really" affects us and we discover that it is not the other person but the stories we tell ourselves about what we are living, we can see that then we can do something about it, we can work and question those thoughts that cause us so much pain ...
5. Instead of thinking again and again about everything "negative"
What do you think it means that this person is gone, I invite you to think about all the reasons why your life is even better now thanks to this experience. And although it may seem difficult to even open up to this possibility or ask ourselves this question, if what you really want is to be well, I strongly recommend that you reflect on this. Note what you may not have observed so far, why, if God or the universe, (whatever you want to call it) is "kind and loving", why would I have chosen this experience for you? Why your life, the life of Who surrounds you and the world "is better" thanks to this experience ?. Make the list calmly, with an open heart, because this can help you a lot to recover your well-being. Maybe you can "appreciate" that you will have more time for yourself, that you can resume or start doing things that you like and have left aside, that you will no longer have the discussions you had, you can read the books you wanted to read, watch the programs that you like, give yourself the time and attention that you most likely were not giving yourself, put yourself back first... And how could the lives of others be better thanks to this? Because your family and friends can enjoy your company more now, because you will have more time for others ... And how will the world be better thanks to this? You may have more time to be of service to others, or you can spend more time developing your creativity and helping others with this. These are just a few examples, look for the reasons that are valid for you, however simple they may seem, give yourself that gift.
Why when we see that what seems so terrible and negative is not, then we can receive it with acceptance and even with curiosity and even enthusiasm, and we can see that our life continues and that our life without a partner can be as good as we allow ourselves…
The more we cling to something that is no longer, the more we suffer
We can not control how other people act but how we feel about it ... As Marco Aurelio, philosopher and Roman emperor said “If you grieve for some external cause, it is not it that matters to you, but the judgment that you make of it. And erase this judgment, it depends on you. ”
The reality is that at this moment that person is no longer by your side and you can live it in two ways: with suffering, pain and resentment or you can accept and “love” this new stage of your life, make the best of it, enjoy YOUR company and appreciate the gifts that this new experience brings you, what do you choose?