It has been almost a century since love has joined him to the family institution, that is, to marriage. Previously almost all marriages were arranged. The family frame had nothing to do with love. They married for convenience hoping that affection would arise over time or not. That was the least of it.
Social and cultural evolution, gender equality, led to the freedom to choose a partner. Paradoxically divorces, separations have increased considerably.
From this we can deduce that love is not something inherent in marriage, nor that stable and lasting coexistence is a consequence of love. At least not romantic love.
The passionate, romantic love, the one that does not see defects or difficulties, the one that gives strength and enthusiasm, is not the one that creates the stability and happiness of the couple.
Love must imply respect for the other and for oneself (don't forget us). You must provide an equitable relationship (giving roughly 50% in each subject). You can not depend, or depend on feelings (if you leave me I am worthless). Love must leave the other independent (if he goes out with friends, he doesn't love me). Love requires effort, common sense, willingness to reach agreements, flexibility, mischief, communication, common interests, affection and sense of humor, in order to maintain the illusion and desire.
- 1 Love and coexistence
- 2 The couple's low responsibility rate
- 3 Time spent on entertainment
- 4 Level of novelty of the couple
- 5 Exchange of rewarding behaviors as a couple
- 6 Expectations of love as a couple
Love and coexistence
Love almost always begins to decline within the framework of coexistence, among other things because the degree of idealization decreases. Many people think that love can do everything, that if they fail in the relationship it is because they were not in love, because they have not found the right person. This error does not make the necessary efforts by both parties to keep the person we want by our side. On both sides, I underline it because at the moment one of the two begins, as usual, to give more, the balance is lost.
A realistic goal that makes the couple grow is that of be responsible for one's own happiness in harmony with that of the other. If either one, consciously or unconsciously, intends to abuse obtaining most privileges most of the time, stability is broken.
All this is learned and generally although you are very old, it is almost never too late. We must start by finding a person that attracts us with the qualities we like the most (intelligence, kindness, physical attractiveness, education, fidelity ...), but this is the tip of the iceberg, the work that comes later is what will keep us love.
First we must know what awaits us. It is not the same "being boyfriends" as living together. As the Spanish proverb says "honeymooners, married ice"The first stage (of boyfriends) that is the easiest is characterized by:
- A low level of responsibilities
- A high percentage dedicated to leisure
- High degree of novelty
- High exchange of rewarding or flattering behaviors
- False knowledge of future expectations
The couple's low responsibility rate
In most situations, when a relationship begins it takes a long time until a commitment is established. This period facilitates the positive assessment of the behaviors of both who live without prejudice and freedom. There is no need to pay letters, any explicit agreement that obligates anything, nor responsibilities. The feeling, desire and attraction is what motivates you to leave more frequently. However, you have to think that all this changes at the moment you start living together.
The time dedicated to amusements
After a day of work or study, the couple are engaged in chatting, dancing, sports, sexual relations ..., that is, pleasant things. In living together all this time descends.
Novelty level of the couple
In the first stage of the relationship, almost everything is new, mostly pleasant. This helps to maintain the initial mutual interest. As we know, the ability to surprise is rewarding and motivating. Started living together, the degree of novelty drops. If expectations were very high, or we do not work in this area, disappointment can begin to be established.
Exchange of rewarding behavior as a couple
The feeling of happiness between two people depends largely on the number of pleasant behaviors both perform. At the time of courtship, the exchange of such behaviors is usually very high. Coexistence will make us see the most real people, idealization decreases, problems arise... is therefore when we must learn to solve the different difficulties.
Expectations of love as a couple
The imaginary world that has become of the couple is very damaging and then living together. Reality has nothing to do with the idealistic concept of love. Many times, those false expectations, it is because in the courtship they have sold us an image that was not. It may also be because we have created ourselves to a person who did not exist. The care we put into this aspect is essential for the good development of living together. It is better to sin than realist than idealist.
As we can appreciate the stage of knowing each other, dating is more rewarding than any other. It is when we really enjoy and make us enjoy without responsibilities, duties or debts. We must not rush therefore to live together, much less to make impulsive decisions. Analyzing the situation leaving aside the emotional will help us solve with fewer mistakes if we live a life in common. Measure step by step what responsibilities we acquire, know that we will spend more time with household tasks (washing, cooking ...), how will that person be to share those tasks, what defects and virtues we will find in living together, what we can expect in the future ( of work, relationship, communication, fidelity ...) of that person, will make us decide with more balance and generally, we will make a more correct choice.
We must think that no couple "per se" is happy or problematic (although of course with some people you get along better than with others). But neither the opposite characters attract, nor do we have to look for soulmates. If you have to work the skills that allow us to accept, learn how to solve problems, talk without insulting, without criticism, reach agreements and know how to be respected, among others.
Remember that if we behave pleasantly with each other; he or she will feel motivated to behave in the same way. Which will increase the satisfaction to remain pleasant on both sides. If, in addition, we do not allow, in a gentle way, to treat us badly, we will help establish this circle so important for living together. The two people will be rewarded to continue with pleasant behaviors. Rigidity and authoritarianism are as enemies of the relationship as being entirely.