“To love is not to look into each other's eyes; is to look towards the same destination ” Antoine de Saint Exupéry: Author of the Little Prince
First you have to take into account some factors that may fool the couple in a supposed possible reconciliation.
- 1 Factors that do NOT help for reconciliation
- 2 Factors that DO help for reconciliation
- 3 What is done in therapy to achieve reconciliation?
Factors that do NOT help for reconciliation
- Assume that the blur works and new account. This NEVER works., is like assuming that a broken car returns to work by magic only wishing it very strongly. Resentments of the past can continue to float, historically and hysterically. Before any smallness, they can get angry and remember the negative past of the couple and the family as if it were an encyclopedia of evil.
- Return to the relationship just to maintain the same comfort situation, under the mask of missing the other or continue loving the couple.
- Return only to make life impossible for the other or to get revenge from past situations. This is a battle that will NEVER end. "Now that we return I will do the same to him to feel what he feels."
- To think that the return is a shame or for doing the other a favor. It can also be to avoid what will they say?
- Assume that all the problems of the past are fixed by having intimacy (it is rich but this in itself does not resolve the previous conflicts).
- Have the misconception that our partner He really wants reconciliation, because sometimes this may be the desire of one of the members only.
- Believe that the couple is still deeply lovedSometimes it is only custom. It may also be that you want to have the relationship as in the best moments and "the past is over." It is also likely that love or love falls only on the part of one of the members. To love you need two, to fall in love you only need one.
- Return only for the supposed welfare of the children. If the couple is well, the children will be, but not vice versa.
- Believe that alone (both members) can resolve with good will what they have not resolved in months or years. "We don't need a third party," he generally says who generates more relationship problems to escape from reality and maintain the same level of dysfunctionality. On the contrary, usually those who request professional help are the ones who are most aware of the need to change.
- Return only to recover material goods or environmental, social or economic comforts and nothing else, without really wanting the couple, nor wanting to change.
- Being with the couple for fear of loneliness or being emotional codependents.
- To think that the couple is the only person who will understand them in the field: spiritual, family, psychological, social, sexual, economic, etc.
Factors that DO help for reconciliation
- Despite how hurt the relationship has been, everyone assumes that he had a part of personal responsibility that led him to the state of conflict. You can only change one behavior when it becomes conscious.
- Both members are aware of the issues and the most frequent problems that led to the conflict, trying to find different solutions to old problems.
- Know what goes through a state of psychological divorce where they move away emotionally even if they physically stay together. It is important to assume that the separations change people and that both need to work individually and together to solve the past and free or close emotional cycles with other partners and "live here and now."
- Recognize past mistakes It can lead a couple to learn new ways to resolve the conflicts of the present.
- Recognize the positive of the couple and not only focus on the negative aspects. It is important to meet again with your eyes open, thinking that the couple has virtues and defects. And that they can fall into the same conflicts if the previous ones are not resolved.
- Be clear about the idea of having individual and couple projects. This will involve giving them the chance to grow despite the crisis.
- Rescue the positive from the past with the awareness that some things can be rescued and revived, although at present they cannot be exactly the same. Discard what does not work and build what does not exist.
- Heal the resentments of the past, who is not able to forgive generates toxic substances such as the hormone cortisol at the body level. Physical and emotional stress (resentment, anger, resentment, reproaches, resistance to change and repression) can increase serum cortisol, which can be detected in a blood test, its normal values at 8 am are 6 to 23 mcg / dl (mcg / dl = micrograms per deciliter). In a urine test its normal values are 10 to 100 mcg / 24 h. (mcg / 24 h = micrograms for every 24 hours).
- Invest time, money and effort in rebuilding the relationship again. Above all put an effort three times more compared to the first time you started the relationship.
What is done in therapy to achieve reconciliation?
- There are two very clear objectives: help to join or separate but without so much pain.
- If there are children involved, generate a “NO CONFLICT” zone with the parents, as they become used to pressure or hurt the couple. In the worst of forecasts, you can become a responsible parent even when they are separated.
- generate a relationship different from the one you had. A tailored suit is designed considering the personalities of both members. There is no ideal model, a new relationship is being built. The positive of the relationship and what has worked are rescued, bad habits that generally only create conflicts are discarded and new behaviors are built to give a new identity to the couple.
- Each member of the couple is responsible for their participation in the conflict.
- The ability to understand you with your partner depends on how happy your children are.
- The most difficult and important is the personal change, because sometimes the therapy process can be sabotaged by one of the members of the couple, because they determine that the therapy "does not work because your partner does not meet the expectations of the other."
- The guarantee once the therapy is finished is that you can continue living either alone or with others, with the current partner or with another. In this sense it is avoided to repeat the same vices of coexistence either with the current partner or with a new one.
- Finally, if the couples stay together, bound, trapped, apparently out of love, they will not only end up pulling, but also end up hurting each other. It is worth walking together but not tied up.